Uncensored (They Suck So Bad) Pt.2

Caswell Massey Michelsen Bay Rum

Well, is this made out of clove? You can swear it! The opening left me perplexed for a few seconds as it smelled unpleasantly familiar but I couldn't exactly detect what it was about. Then a big clove started to materialize in front of me. Huge, brown and running towards me at 200mph speed...Clove is all I get, sorry! I quite like clove, but this interpreation is definitely crude and very (very) linear. If clove often brings to mind of dental offices, Massey's interpretation represents the whole dental treatment without anesthesia...Scary.



Rating: 3/10

Clinique Happy

Quite a total disaster! Hyper-Sweet citruses (expecially orange), green notes, woods. That's it. Simple and...cheap. A perfect fragrance for dutyfree shops in tiny little airports. Avoid.



Rating: 3/10

Linari Angelo Di Fiume

I've to resign to the fact that Linari's fragrances are anything but distinctive or original. With the exception of Acqua Santa and Fuoco Infernale which, IMO, are the stand outs of the line, the rest of the offering is made out of trite and derivative designer compositions sold at high-end niche prices. Angelo Di Fiume is Linar's take on gourmand and strikes as a cloying and banal vanille/caramel combo that smells like a puerile deodorant for 13 years old. The worst news is that it's by one of my favorite perfumers of the new school: Mr Buxton. 

Awful.



Rating: 2/10

Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme

Luca Turin says: "Light Blue Pour Homme is like pleague and cholera at once". I'm not that caustic but this inoffensive and absolutely anonimous synthetic composition is surely far from evoking the mediterranean sex appeal represented in the original tv commercial. Boring and uninteresting.



Rating: 2/10

Versace Man Eau Fraiche

When I smell "Acqua Fresca" (italian for Eau Fraiche) I immediately start to think about Donatella's transgendered /mutated /botulinus-ized face. This image together with the smell of Eau Fraiche is killer. I never, ever liked Versace as a designer maison as it represents the apotheosis of the italian stereotype. Black unbuttoned silk shirts with gold crucifixes on tanned pumped chests. Come on, give us a break!




When it comes to "Eau Fraiche" there's nothing like San Pellegrino.

A few more words on the packaging that comes in a turquoise sort of lizard / crocodile skin box. Vulgar.



Rating: 2/10

Marc Jacobs Splash Cucumber

Inconsistent and inoffensive cologne. It smells like if you've dressed up your cucumber salad with a cheap and light floral perfume instead of olive oil and then  poured the salad bowl over your head.

Rating: 3/10

Uncensored (They Suck So Bad) Pt.1

Minimalisitc and unapologetic reviews of fragrances we all should carefully avoid. Just in case you come in contact with any of the following compositions, be sure to have one of these:

Lorenzo Villoresi Dilmun

I very rarely use certain types of words in my reviews but when I smelled Dilmun for the first time on my skin I immediately thought: "Oh God if it sucks!



It sucks, there's nothing to do. Neroli, orange blossoms and other heavy white flowers on a messy vanilla base with green undertones on top. MEH One of the worst Villoresi I've ever experienced.



Rating: 3/10

Nina Ricci Memoire D'Homme

After outstanding releases such as Phileas, 1975 Fifi award winning Farouche, Nina and a bunch of others, Memoire D'Homme stands in the house range as one of the most disappointing. Please, leave me "c-alone".


Rating: 3/10

Memo Moon Safari

Alert! Alert! Alert! Designer in disguise...Alert!



Moon Safari was suggested to me as a vetiver prominent composition but all I got is a citrusy EDC type of stuff with an overall generic vibe. Dries down to a sweeter tonka base with a faint vetiver note...Disappointing.



Rating: 3/10

Molinard Ecoute Moi

A soapy citrus/floral of absolutely no interest. Money burned.



Rating: 3/10

Wahsintgon Tremlett Hampstead Water

An highly unpleasant combo of lavander, bergamot and sort of candied orange laying on a musky base (where's leather?). Aimed to revisit the classic cologne but with a bad result. if you want to smell like desinfectant, go ahead.



Rating: 3/10

Demeter Fragrance Rain

An interpretation of the rain that you can easily find in one of those scratch and sniff books for 3-4 years old children. Puerile.



Rating: 3/10

Penhaligon's Bluebell

Sometimes I forget how much a perfume can be ugly and annoying. Anytime it happens I smell Bluebell as a reminder. Horrifying synthetic floral at its worst. Simply abominable.

Rating: 2/10

Davidoff Champion

A perfect fragrance if you do your workout routines with plastic dumbells! Cheap!

Rating: 2/10

Cartier Cartier De Lune

OMG, I can't believe this is the new feminine parfum by Cartier as it's so ridiculous. I'm trying to immagine the company meeting where they discussed the product. The big boss standing at the round table stating: "This perfume is amazing, we approve it, let's start the production". Are you guys serious????? Do they really think we'll like it? Do they really think we're dump enough to simply appreciate it because it's by Cartier?That's quite offensive from you guys at Carter! This is completely undistinguishable from other billions and billions of cheap department store feminine parfumes of the past 30 years. Absolutely ridiculous and generic. If someone gives you a sampler, stay away from it. A very silly fragrance!

Rating: 2/10


...to be continued...